Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Moment of Catharsis

I really have no room to complain about my life, considering all the strife and despair happening across the world today. I should count my blessings and be thankful for all the good fortune in my life (I do, and I am); however, it is hard for me to appreciate the good unless I can release my feelings about the bad. WARNING: If you don't want to hear any self-serving whining, please stop reading here.

I am hoping if I flush this out now, I can focus on all the great things in my life (as there are many and I haven't been able to appreciate them as much as I want to). I have been really, really down for the past nine months or so. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. A few core elements in my life have been very unsettled and it makes it hard for me to even function sometimes.

To begin with, my "scary age" birthday is just over a month away. There are so many parts of my life I never thought I'd have by now (house, kids), and yet so many things I thought I would have that I don't. I'm still trying to adjust to this life, and adapting comes harder to me that I wish sometimes.

My job is very stressful, too, which doesn't help. Being an independent consultant has amazing benefits, but it is very unpredictable. I also never thought this would be my career, and I'm trying to find a balance between this job and where I ultimately want to be. It sounds so silly to say because I am so young (and have some impressive accomplishments under my belt already, if I can say so), but I feel like I haven't accomplished much in my life and am having a hard time with feelings of guilt, failure and discontent.

The last factor is relationships. I've had two important friendships end in the past few months - one was a long time coming, and the other completely blindsided me. I'm trying to make sense of what happened in each scenario. I tend to dwell on "rejection" and "why doesn't that person like me?" I'm working on getting past that. I've come up with little tricks for myself (channeling those feelings into productivity, and my three-strike friendship rule), but one thing I'm sticking to is the end of one-sided relationships. "Friend" is a term that holds special meaning to me, and I truly love my friends like family. I give my whole self to them, but I also need the same dedication back. Maybe I expect too much, but I think when someone is your friend, it isn't a halfway thing.

I've been having lots of problems in other relationships, as well, and I'm hoping to resolve these problems (for better or worse) soon, which might cause a lot of shift in my life. The good thing is that I have always been an up-and-up person - things can always be better, and I make the most of the circumstances. I also have a couple of super-amazing friends who have been by my side through all of this and are helping me get through this (you know who you are!!).

Much of my silence on this blog has been due to all of the above, and I felt obligated to provide insight into the reasons behind this. There are so many parts of my life that I am incredibly thankful for, including the unbelievably talented, passionate and kind people I've met through blogging, but sometimes having a moment of catharsis can help purge the barriers that hamper me from realizing the good (no rain, no rainbows, right?). I’d love to hear what you do to help bring yourself out of a funk, if you don’t mind sharing!

Thanks for listening :-) You are the best-est.

All pictures are by one of my favorite photographers, Gerald Brimacombe, and make me so happy!


My Farmhouse Kitchen said...

came by when i saw the title of your post in my reader list.

i haven't blogged in 3 weeks...i don't know what happened either....
just lost interest and for no reason...and now i am glued to CNN.

i enjoyed reading this....being i just got out of a funk just lifted...right out of the blue... i think getting TEDDY my little red toy poodle might have done the trick :-)

take care,
kary and teddy

Deanna (Silly Goose Farm) said...

Hi Kary!! So glad to hear from you. If I had a little Teddy, I'd feel better too, I think! He is just too adorable. I have Bella and Beeper (my dogs) here, but they always stink too much to cuddle :-) Bad dogs. Thank you so much for your kind words and I hope to hear from you again soon!

Daryl at Vermont Cottage said...

Awe, Deanna:
I must tell you that I saw your site for your consultations and was super impressed! I know it's hard to be an independent consultant, but if you can do it, do it! You seem to be doing well :).
I also think this has been a terribly stressful year for everyone, with no relief in sight, and people are not too patient. Normally, I'd try to figure out what's up with people, but it's so rampant right now that it really can't be analyzed. I make the best of it when I'm out and about but generally I'm lying low. My husband, son, and dog are always faithful and fun companions. I can count on them and to heck with the world...for now.
Lovely photos, BTW.

Christine said...

Sounds like a classic existential funk :) Well mama, you HAVE accomplished oodles and will continue to accomplish more! But sometimes we just get down and nothing can shake us out of it. Spring weather can help though, and maybe a bowl of ice cream. No? Your consulting business rocks, your family rocks, your farm rocks, etc. Cheer up, but don't beat yourself up for being in a funk either.

And I'm sorry, but is your scary age the ripe old age of 25?!

Deanna (Silly Goose Farm) said...

Hi Daryl, thanks for your nice comments. I most definitely fit into the "not too patient" group you mentioned!

Oh Christine, you are so right about the existential funk (I knew I could rely on you for that!). You're a good friend. Just can't seem to shake this off. And yes, 25 is my scary age! A quarter of my life gone (and quite possibly the most formative). Just thought I'd be in a different frame of mind or something at this point. Have different accomplishments under my belt. C'est la vie.

Prippy Handbook said...

Oh Deanna, I admire your strength in sharing. It takes a brave soul to be honest with themself... as well as the blogging world!

In the time I've had the pleasure of knowing you, I can say that you take friendship for what it means... giving yourself to someone, and them doing the same in return. One of my favorite people and closest friends once said something that I'll never forget. When I was thinking about what to get her as a wedding gift, she honestly looked at me and said "there is no better gift than having your time and attention." It was an amazing moment, and so so true.Having a friend BE there for you is the greatest gift in the world.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way and it leads to disappointment with folks. But when I feel let down, I shake it off the best I can and realize life is too short to let others drag me down. At the end of the day, taking care of my own happiness is what will make me a better friend, fiancee (and wife some day soon!), and down the road... god willing... a better mother.

This is the longest post ever... BUT a few more thoughts.

My Mom always said there's a reason they tell you on airplanes to "put your own mask on first." Good advice, Mom!

Careers are stressful, and as a society we place a lot of self-identification on what we do rather than who we are. Bizarre... but the blogging world has certainly provided a release for me in this respect.

And my parting words... sometimes changing your environment if only for a day/weekend/hour/whatever provides clarity. So hopefully a girl's weekend is in our future!


Deanna (Silly Goose Farm) said...

Hi TG, Thanks for your wonderful note! Definitely brightened my day :-) All the advice you imparted is spot-on. You are too kind. The job has been stressful, but I think only because I'm trying to balance excellent opportunities with personal obligations (mainly, kids). I'm definitely up for a little get-away, so I'll keep you in the loop! You are the best!

Lynn said...

Deanna - I'm so very glad I saw this post! I've been feeling very much the same lately and haven't been able to get myself out of this funk I'm in and spent some time on Twitter chatting about this just yesterday. I certainly hope your fog lifts soon and you're able to get some relief in your situations. You are far too sweet to let anything stand in your way. Best wishes!

Deanna (Silly Goose Farm) said...

Hi Lynn! Thanks for visiting and commenting. What is up with this funk we are all having!? It needs to go away pronto. I was feeling bad and mad last night, but I'm feeling better this morning. I hope you are feeling better, too and thanks for the nice words! I'm sending positive vibes your way.